Analysts are like Tarot card readers with MBAs, making speculative predictions based on little more than the direction of the wind and bird migration patterns. They follow a similar marketing practice too - the first reading is free, but the second will cost you, and cost you.

The brain trust at Gartner Research, a firm whose name is legendary in “We predicted this all along” market research, has arrived at the astounding postulation that Apple’s plans to incorporate enterprise-class features into iPhone will make the device a viable corporate tool.

Principal analyst Ken Dulaney gave his best Jean Dixon sound bite, stating that enterprise features “will open a huge volume of business users” for Apple. The man is a genius.

Of course, this is the same firm who said just last year that iPhone wasn’t ready for business, so take their conclusions as I always do - with a grain of salt and a shot of whiskey.

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It seems like only yesterday Apple’s servers were overwhelmed by the unbridled lust of developers, feverishly downloading the newly released iPhone SDK, going offline and back again like cheap Christmas tree lights. Today Apple is reporting that over 100,000 SDK downloads have been made in a span of just four days. That’s amazing considering that traffic bottleneck prevented downloading to occur for hours at a time, and Apple’s iPhone developer page was broken for nearly two days.

Makes you wonder how much higher that figure would be if everything had gone smoothly out of the gate. 500,000 perhaps?

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Psst! Hey, buddy. Yeah, you! Over here. You want hot merchandise? These here iPhones just ahem fell off the truck today. Oh these are real beauties too. Fresh from from the factory, as they say. Get’em while you can because my supplies are rather limited, if you catch my meaning, and the Chinese Police are very interested in my wares. Meet me tonight behind the workers dormitory and we can discuss this further.

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CNBC reporter Jim Goldman claims that a source close to Apple’s Asian contract manufacturer knows precisely when Apple will launch the long desired 3G iPhone. Clear your calendars for the month of June ‘08, the date of iPhone 3G’s arrival. This news, if you can call it that, comes as little surprise since the existence of a 3G iPhone was confirmed by none other than Apple itself. But this source, if accurate, dashes any hopes such a product will reveal itself at MacWorld in January. Was anyone really expecting Apple to obsolete the current model in under 6 months? Apple churns out new iPhone models like Mocha Lattes at Starbucks, but in a new iPhone release in such a short period isn’t realistic, especially given that iPhone hasn’t fully propagated among international carriers.

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Now see here, you Yanks. This whole iPhone concept…it’s just not cricket. You plebes may fall victim to the seductive powers of Sir Steven Jobs, with his shiny expensive bobs and brickabrack, but we Brits are made of tougher stuff. You won’t find it so easy fobbing off your gadgety thingies on us, by Jove. Just look at the pittance of iPhone activations made since launching here in the UK, something like 26,500? Mere truffles, I tell you. The queen has more diamond studs in her dinner gown. Knickers!

Now do go on and take your toys elsewhere, or Parliament will have to reassess the terms its peace treaty with you and reclaim lost territory. We wouldn’t want to start an “incident” now would we? There’s a good chaps.

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I post a story about iPhone coming to Commiland, and now Reuters steps in with news that iPhone’s arrival in China may be delayed by technical (read: Political) and fee (read: money under the table) issues. The gist of this delay centers around iPhone being locked, as apposed to Chinese phones which are unlocked and portable to any GMS carrier. Does anyone else besides me feel utterly ashamed and embarrased that communist mobile phones enjoy more freedom and liberty than our capitalist phones?

Maybe this Communism thing isn’t so bad after all… Capitalist pig!

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China Mobile Ltd., the country’s largest state run cell phone carrier, claims that it is in talks with Apple to bring iPhone to the land of cheap labor and censorship sometime next year. No agreement has yet been reached…so why bother making the announcement?

It’s only fitting. American jobs are being exported to China, so why not Steve Jobs? Get it…Steve Jobs, American Jobs? Heh? Oh never mind.

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Time Magazine has named iPhone “Invention of the Year”, a title shared with… well I don’t recall Time ever bestowing that award on any product, but this is after all the same publication that once named Adolf Hitler Man of the year, and me (or rather everyone) Person of the year.

Invention of the year is an overstated understatement. Any product that has educated adults behaving like pre-teens camped outside retails stores for days on end, and turns slobs into celebrities, is an achievement unrivaled by any other medium. Invention of the Century would be more fitting.

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The arrival of iPhone in the UK next week may cause more than just nerdgasm among Guinness-drinking geeks. According to one industry expert, the iconic gadget may set off a “crime wave” of mobile phone thefts, as criminals go searching for the elusive new smartphone in the pockets and purses of unsuspecting toffs. Each year more than 800,000 mobile phones end up in the hands of crooks, accounting for 52% of all thefts in the UK. Nickers!

Best guard your purse strings, gov.

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You wouldn’t think of Paul Otellini as someone who uses “hip” consumer products, given his stodgy corporate background and boardroom persona. But beneath his mild professional demeanor lies a Mac fanboy and iPhone lover. Yes, his secret is out: Intel’s number one man uses a MacBook Pro, and both he and his spouse carry iPhones.

In a recent interview with BusinessWeek, Otellini admits to using Apple products for personal use, though he does preface his confession by saying that he still carries a ThinkPad for work, in the event Steve Ballmer should happen to stop by and catch him with a MacBook sitting in his lap.

By the way, am I the only one who is utterly dumbfounded by the continued success of the antiquated ThinkPad series? The damn things still look the same after nearly a decade… and they were ugly to begin with. If forced to carry a corporate portable (mind you, you’d have to hold a gun to my head) Dell’s Latitude line would be my first choice. Not that I’m enamored with Dell products, but their business portables are well designed, highly configurable, and decently priced.

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Oh Greenpeace, can’t you idiots just stick to rescuing dolphins or saving single-cell organisms? Today the colorful activist organization made good on its promise to sue Apple over toxic materials found in iPhone, and further seeks an injunction blocking the arrival of iPhone in Europe. If Greenpeace is successful, you boys and girls in Europe won’t be getting an iPhone come November 9. One more at a time.

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Apple’s fiscal fourth quarter ended in September, and the bean counters in every investment firm are hard at work following the money trail, speculating on Apple’s quarterly results. Bear Stearn analyst Andrew Neff, the man most well known for his crazy but prophetic predictions about the implosion and consolidation of the PC industry, believes that iPhone could be the start of something big. He tells investors that while deferred profit sharing with AT&T won’t have an immediate impact on Apple’s bottom line, he sees iPhone being a money machine, driving profits. Doesn’t it warm your heart to read those words?

Of course, what really drove profits this quarter were the purchase of two iPhones by one Kent Pribbernow. Yeah, don’t think I won’t be wanting stock options in return Apple. It’s time I start seeing some greenbacks. Capiche?

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Bonjour! My name is Jacques. On behalf of the people of France I would just like to say Merci to you Americans for exporting the Suprême iPhone. We French are quite accustomed to pinching and making gestures with our fingers, so the iPhone will be as second nature to us, oui? However, our country already has too many elitist assholes, so you may keep Steve Jobs. Just give us the iPhone and we can forget the unpaid loans you still owe us from the American Revolution. Did you swine think we had forgotten that our King Louis financed your war of independence, and allowed your con man, Benjamin Franklin, to rob our national treasury! Give us iPhone, and we give your freedom… and I don’t mean fries, mon ami.

Read les press release after les break.

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Alas, poor Palm. You just can’t seem to get a break these days, can you? First came that whole embarrassing Foleo fiasco (or Foolio as I like to call it), an ordeal not to be repeated. Then your long overdue Palm OS replacement gets pushed back, twice, not to appear for another 18 months. Now comes this latest report, certain to deliver yet another vigorous blow to the nuts.

The bean counters at NPD Group, who watch consumer buying habits like the Chinese Secret Police, have determined that a very large percentage of early iPhone owners migrated from Smartphones, particularly the Palm Treo and T-Mobile Sidekick. In fact, the study shows that consumers were ten times more likely to have abandoned a Treo in favor of iPhone. Which totally has me laughing my ass off at the numbskulls who so adamantly asserted that iPhone will NEVER attract Smartphone users, in a vein effort to write off any threat. Fear the fruit, boys. Fear the fruit.

Four years ago the Treo represented the pinnacle of mobile computing design and innovation. Today, it’s the Amish horse and buggy of Smartphones. Carriers may just as well give them away as Christmas ornaments for subscribers to hang on their trees. Nobody wants one.

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iPhone users rocking out to their favorite tunes may damage more than their hearing, if new research published by Greenpeace has any basis in fact. The report claims that iPhone’s included headphones contain dangerous levels of toxic chemicals that may be harmful to reproductive organs, or “happy zone” for you boys and girls under the age of twelve.

Senior Scientist at Greenpeace Research Laboratories, Dr. David Santillo, says… “Two of the phthalate plasticisers found at high levels in the headphone cable are classified in Europe as ‘toxic to reproduction, category 2′ because of their long-recognised ability to interfere with sexual development in mammals. While they are not prohibited in mobile phones, these phthalates are banned from use in all toys or childcare articles sold in Europe. Apple should eliminate the use of these chemicals from its products range.”.

Well, I’m convinced. If a left-wing extremist group conducted this research, it MUST be true. Just kidding, Greenpeace, I love you nutjobs. Read the rest of the report and scare the hell out of yourself. Oh, and if you’re married and trying to start a family, I’d start shopping for a pair of headphones. Uh huh.

First lead painted children’s toys, now this. Could this be part of a Chinese Communist plot to destroy western civilization by stifling our ability to reproduce? I think so.

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Timothy Smith of California once loved his iPhone. You could see him wandering the streets of San Jose with his face glued to the phone’s shiny black screen, tapping and pinching away, oblivious to everything around him like people crying out for help, oncoming traffic, lamp posts, etc. But that love affair ended over a week ago when Smith updated his unlocked iPhone to the infamous firmware update 1.1.1, rendering it iBricked. Since Apple refuses to support iPhones which have been “tampered with”, Smith did what any self righteous American consumer would do… he called his attorney and filed a class action suit.

What makes this case even more interesting, and utterly hilarious, is that it seeks not only to collect damages from Apple for the bricking of iPhones, but also demands an end to the practice of carrier locking phones entirely. Nothing short of lightening bolts from the sky reigning down on AT&T will bring an end to that; it’s part of life. Death - Taxes - and Carrier exclusive contracts.

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Store.apple.com is down right now, which usually means one of tow things. Either Apple’s IT staff is performing maintenance on their servers, or new products are about to be posted. Nope, neither is the case. The real reason; I bought a second iPhone today, and that brought the online store to its knees. Yes, that’s it. Take that, Apple. Fortunately the store went down after my iPhone shipped.

Now to track my package and bring Fedex down as well.

[update:] It’s back up and it appears to be nothing more than a maintenance update. I noticed the site was having issues throughout the day, shortly after I placed my order.

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Who can put a price on pain and suffering? Your attorney can, of course… to the total sum of a cool 1 Million dollars. Dongmei Li of Queens, New York (I didn’t know people living in Queens could afford iPhones) claims that Apple’s dramatic iPhone price cut is a flagrant violation of consumer price discrimination laws. Her suit alleges that the price cut hurts early adopters by deflating the iPhone’s resale value. I call that the price of early adoption, but apparently it is grounds for litigation. Who knew?

So let me get this straight… if I walk into Wal-Mart and buy a head of lettuce, which then subsequently drops in price by 20 cents after I leave the store, I can then sue Wal-Mart for damages? Hot damn! I’m going to start watching for those falling prices and little yellow smiley faces.

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Tech curmudgeon John C. Dvorak (the C stands for cranky) points the spotlight of criticism on Apple for its blatant act of bricking unlocked iPhones. He points out that in many overseas markets unlocked phones are common place, and a lucrative business. Hey, John… I agree with you, but trying to get Apple to change its policies is like trying to wrestle a half ton alligator. It’s a futile effort and just makes the gator angry.

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Well well well. Look who’s firmware update is spreading mass murder among unboxed iPhones. Reports are coming in from everywhere, and everyone but my Aunt Helen, that FW 1.1.1 is bricking factory fresh iPhones upon updating. So, even customers with iPhones that still have that new car smell are in the same sack of onions that we naughty unlockers are stuck in. Hmm. I’m going out on a limb and say that Apple rolled this update out a bit prematurely.

Apple support forums are filling up with angry posts from frustrated new iPhone owners pleading for help to revive their now otherwise paperweighted phones. And numerous readers have sent me stories about having to return their “new” iPhone thanks installing the update. Ruh Roh!

[Clarification] I want to clarify that my colorful use of the term “Brick” is used in general terms of otherwise fudging your iPhone. While I have read more than one or two cases of iPhones being rendered completely inaccessible, the problems resulting from the firmware update does no permanent damage to your iPhone…just renders it immobilized until help arrives.